apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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