I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
