just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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