the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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