It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
