Im at strip club and am horny
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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