This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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