I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
