roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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