my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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