I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
