...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
