I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
