The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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