it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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