I got chris browned last night
Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
