I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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