I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
