Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
