remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
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So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
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Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can I color on your dick again?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.