So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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