I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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