Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
