I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Im part way to drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
