Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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