He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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