He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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