Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
