A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
