She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
