Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
