So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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