go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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