im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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