I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
should my penis look like a turkey
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
