Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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