party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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