Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
