Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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