I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
