Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize