Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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