i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
