Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
