Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
