Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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