I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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