Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Did we literally take a cab across the street
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
