she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
