I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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