Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
