Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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