Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
