he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
