The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
