Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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