3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
cat food counts as protein by the way
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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