the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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