I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
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I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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