this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
